The Golden Bachelor Picks His Last Wife Ever
Gerry Turner has one more woman to dump before he can be happy.
It’s finally here. Gerry Turner is going to dump one more girlfriend, leaving him one girlfriend to propose to and spend a few months with. People are calling this finale “the network television event of the season.” And, since only people who are as close to the grave as Gerry Turner still watch network television anymore, it probably is.
Leslie and Theresa are the last two contestants on the gameshow. It’s hard to remember them because they’re uninteresting and we haven’t seen them for two weeks. It’ll be surprising if Gerry remembers their names. As ABC has told us several times, Gerry is incredibly old and will die any minute now.
During the Golden Bachelor bye week, there was gossipy information leaked about Gerry. The tabloids say that Gerry wasn’t completely lone before the show. He had a job. People are giving Gerry crap because he used to have a girlfriend and ran a burger joint called Mr. Quick. What a scandal! How dare he date people before dating people on television. And, how dare he run a burger joint! He should’ve just sat in a room and thought about his dead wife before replacing her in front of twelve cameras. Jerk.
We’re on to the finale. Keep up! Things start with a live studio audience of cat owners. They scream as Jesse Palmer walks up to greet them because these people have never once been entertained. They scream so loud. They scream like they just found out that the air in the studio is poisonous and all of the exits have been blocked.
Jesse Palmer addresses the crowd. They quiet down long enough to hear him talk. Jesse lays out the stakes of the finale. The stakes are super big, you guys. You really have no idea. Jesse Palmer agrees with America that we want Gerry to choose the best replacement for his dead wife because Gerry has captured our hearts. My heart has so totally been captured. It’s like my heart is Holly and Gerry is Hans Gruber and I’m playing it cool with a gun taped to my back except I don’t shoot because I’m totally cool with my heart being captured, so we all leave the Nakatomi Plaza and go to Mr. Quick for some burgers. Keep up!
To join in the torture, Jesse introduces what he calls “Bachelor Royalty.” The camera pans over to a bunch of people I don’t know. I’m pretty sure you should know who royalty is. Jesse also introduces the next Bachelor, Joey. Joey seems terrible. It’s a prerequisite for the job, so Joey is perfect. Jesse teases that there will be Bachelor news tonight that leaves us all “stunned.” I realize I’m quoting a lot of things but I need to use Jesse’s words because my words suck. I think the only thing that would leave me “stunned” is if one single second of this show actually entertained me.
We’re in Costa Rica. Keep up. Gerry stands on a balcony and looks off into the distance to think about his two girlfriends. It’s super thinky. This guys thinks like a pro. Gerry says that, when he’s with Theresa, he doesn’t need to talk because things are unspoken. I think if I told my wife our love was unspoken, she would assume I didn’t want to talk to her.
Gerry’s family is in Costa Rica too. They’re there to help Gerry pick a replacement for their grandmother. I hope we get to see the grandkids look at Gerry’s girlfriends’ pictures and speculate aloud as to who would give the best Christmas gifts.
Theresa gets the first crack at impressing the family. He asks his family if they’re ready to meet Theresa. They say they’re ready. That’s good because they’re in Costa Rica and that would’ve been a waste of some plane tickets.
Theresa is happy to meet Gerry’s family. You guys were happy to meet Gerry’s family too, admit it. Theresa tells the family that Gerry is the perfect Bachelor. To me, that’s not a compliment. Gerry’s daughter asks Theresa why she likes hanging out with Gerry. It’s an important question. While this is going on, ABC is showing a window of cat owners from the studio audience to get their reactions to the riveting Costa Rican conversations. Faith, the bronze medal winner of the Golden Bachelor, is in the audience and ABC cameras capture her crying. I don’t think it’s cool to show someone crying over the guy who dumped them, but I’m not a Bachelor Producer.
Theresa tells stories about her dead husband as Gerry’s family nods. It’s noddy. The daughters like Theresa’s dead husband story. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home. Always talk about your dead husband around your boyfriend’s kids. It’s endearing.
Gerry’s daughter pull him aside to talk about Theresa. They like her. They ask Gerry if he enjoyed having sex with Theresa in the Golden Bachelor Fantasy Suite. The cat owners in the audience ooo and ahhh because sex is mentioned. Gerry is a gentleman and doesn’t comment on the sex. He’s such a nice guy who has sex with two women on the same weekend in Costa Rica on camera but won’t talk about it.
The family meeting is over. Gerry says goodbye to his family. I’m sure, on the plane ride home, they’ll talk more about his father having sex with Theresa.
When we come back from commercial, Jesse Palmer once again promises that this finale will shock me to my core. I don’t have a core. It’s all Paula’s Donut. If I did have a core, I don’t know what would shock me to it. Maybe winning Powerball or the Sabres winning a single game. Sports quota filled.
It’s nighttime. Keep up. Gerry and Theresa talk in a Costa Rican resort room. They get to know each other, which is important if you’re going to get engaged. Whenever I plan to get engaged to someone, I make sure I spend some time with them in a resort room for a few minutes to talk. Gerry talks about how he used to be a dork when he was younger. It’s shocking to know that about a guy who owned a burger joint.
Theresa brings up the fact that there’s another woman on the gameshow. We were all thinking it. Theresa tells Gerry that she wants him to be happy, even if that means he doesn’t choose her. That’s a smart move, like telling King Samson you’d rather the other woman have the baby when he threatens to cut it in half. If you don’t get that reference, you weren’t beaten by nuns in a Catholic School. I knew, even back then, that the beatings would be worth it so I could make references in Bachelor recaps that no one would get. Gerry tells Theresa that he loves her. He also says that he’s not sure who he’ll choose. I guess I’ll keep watching.
It’s Leslie’s turn to make that last second pitch to marry Gerry. Leslie is excited to meet Gerry’s family in Costa Rica. That’s convenient.
Leslie tells Gerry’s kids that she was glad when Gerry said the word “fuck” because that meant she could swear too. The live audience of cat owners scream because they love the F-word. If you ever see a woman with a cat, scream the F-word. She’ll love it.
Gerry’s daughters pull Leslie aside to talk. It’s pull-asidey. Leslie tells Gerry’s daughters that she thinks Gerry’s sincere. The daughters start to cry. They’re crying because it means a lot to hear that someone thinks their Dad is sincere. If someone told me my Dad was sincere, I’d assume he gave them money.
The blonde daughter (I don’t know their names) asks Leslie if she wants Gerry to propose to her. Leslie says that proposals are scary because she’s never been proposed to. How could Leslie go her entire life without a marriage proposal? You’d figure someone would at least do it for citizenship. Leslie tells Gerry’s daughters that Gerry is the man of her dreams. The guys of my dreams stands over me as I sleep and I can’t move or see his face. The daughters cry over Leslie’s love for their dad. I think crying is a good thing in this scenario but I’m not a daughter so I can’t be sure.
Gerry talks to his daughters. They like Leslie. Gerry says he likes Leslie. He is nervous because the gameshow is getting real. It’s easy to have sex in front of cameras. It’s more difficult to marry a woman you barely know. He doesn’t tell his daughters who he’s marrying. Maybe he did but ABC didn’t put that part in. It would make the ending anticlimactic.
Leslie and Gerry don’t seem as into each other. They hug goodbye without slurping each other’s faces. Leslie sense the apprehension and it makes her nervous. You guys are nervous too, admit it.
It’s nighttime. Gerry and Leslie spend time with each other in a room. Gerry admits that he hasn’t been himself because he knows he has to dump someone. Leslie cries because she could feel his negative energy. Gerry apologizes for his anxiety. He gives Leslie alcohol and tells her not to worry. Leslie is glad to have the alcohol and reassurance. She gives Gerry a gift. I don’t know if she Ubered to a Costa Rican gift shop or if Golden Bachelor interns ran out and got it for her, but it’s a photo album. Leslie filled a photo album of pictures of their journey. We get to look at the pictures. It’s emotional. I have no idea who took the pictures because both Gerry and Leslie are in them. Maybe ABC hired someone. Leslie left pages in the album blank so they could fill it with more pictures. So, if she gets dumped, that’ll be one sad album. Like a ‘Bright Eyes’ album.
Gerry likes his gift. He thanks Leslie. They slurp a little. He asks Leslie if she has anything else to tell him and she tells him she loves him. He says that’s a special thing to say. Gerry doesn’t tell Leslie he loves her. He did just tell Theresa he loved her a few minutes ago. That’s what authors call foreshadowing. ABC plays sad foreshadowey music.
We’re back from commercial. Keep up. Things between Gerry and Leslie are still awko taco. Gerry tells Leslie to be happy. The audience of cat owners gasps because they can tell Leslie is about to get dumped. At least THAT’S WHAT ABC WANTS YOU TO THINK. Those guys are jerks and I don’t trust them. Gerry hugs Leslie goodbye and the music is the kind of music you’d play over the scene of a child throwing dirt onto their parents’ coffins at a funeral. Gerry ends the night by telling Leslie how impossible his decision is. It’s not impossible. Grabbing the bottom of both of your shoes and lifting them over your head is impossible. After Leslie leaves, she cries. Gerry sits on a staircase and cries. Everyone is crying. Everyone except Nick Saban. I can’t picture Nick Saban ever crying.
Gerry tells the camera that he feels Leslie knew something was up and that he needs to go back and talk to her. He goes right back to her room. I hope the camera guys are getting overtime pay because this is unscripted. Gerry tells Leslie that he has something to say to her. Then, ABC goes to commercial because they’re war criminals.
We’re back from commercial. Keep up. Leslie has snot all over her face, so it’ll be easier for Gerry to dump her. Gerry admits that he’s fallen in love with Theresa and he’s gonna work that angle for the rest of his life. Leslie says, “So everything you told me the other night was a lie.” She’s referencing the night Gerry had sex with her in the Fantasy Suite. Gerry says no, but we all know it’s yes. Leslie says she could tell Gerry was dumping her. She asks when it went wrong. Gerry says it didn’t go wrong. I don’t think he knows what wrong is.
Gerry says he’s been trying to figure things out and that only one woman could be right. Always tell the woman you’re dumping that she wasn’t right. They love that. Leslie cries a bunch and, at this point, I’m just annoyed with it. Be dumped already. Leslie says getting dumped is typical for her life. Gerry tells her not to think like that. Leslie says, “I can think however the fuck she likes.” ABC bleeps out the F-word, but the cat owners in the live audience know she says fuck because they cheer like they’re at a Steelers game.
Leslie yells at Gerry for leaving her behind. Gerry kind of just sits there because what else would you do? I mean, I’m guessing he just wants to leave but he signed a contract. Leslie doesn’t understand how he changed his mind in one day. It’s a good question. She tells Gerry she’s glad she got dumped in a hotel room instead of on the main stage in an expensive dress. She’s down to earth. Leslie is killing her audition to be the Golden Bachelorette. Vegas odds have her even money to get that gig.
There’s more crying and not talking. Gerry says, “I’ll see myself out,” but the cameras see him out so he even lied about that. Leslie runs out onto the Costa Rican balcony and cries more. Leslie tells the camera that time is running out for her. I mean, it’s called ‘The Golden Bachelor’. She wasn’t on the show because she was young.
Gerry runs out to Jesse Palmer. You know dude is desperate if he’s turning to Jesse Palmer. Gerry says he hates himself for what he’s done. He says he hasn’t felt this bad since his wife died. So, he gets a nice reminder of that. Jesse Palmer offers a ton of support by saying, “Sorry.” I don’t think he’s sorry, guys. He orchestrated it. It’s over, guys. Gerry dumped Leslie.
We’re back in front of the live audience of cat owners. Keep up! Jesse is sitting with Leslie after she just re-lived getting dumped on television. Jesse asks, “How do you feel?” It’s a great question. We were all wondering how it felt for her to watch getting dumped. Leslie says it was hard. Whoa! It was? Jesse asks Leslie to describe what she was thinking when she was dumped. She says she was sad. Whoa! She was? Jesse is nailing this interview.
Leslie was 100% certain she was Gerry’s girl. I’m not even 100% sure I’m alive and not in hell, forced to recap a terrible show for eternity. Leslie says that she was given no signs that she would be dumped until that last day. She said she picked out a wedding dress and wrote her wedding vows. Let this be a lesson for you kids at home. Never plan ahead. You’re just gonna lose in the end. Go ahead and cash in that 401K for a PS5. Eat grease. Pet stray dogs with your face. There is no future. Gerry doesn’t love you.
Jesse Palmer brings out Gerry to talk to Leslie. She agrees to it happening for some reason. The cat owners clap for Gerry, but they don’t scream. You can tell that even the cat owners are mad at Gerry.
It’s super quiet as Gerry and Leslie hug. Awko taco. Jesse says, “Gerry it’s great seeing you.” Read the room, Jesse. Leslie tells Gerry that she’s still confused by her dumping. That’s strange. She lived it AND watched it back. She could never be an NFL player because she doesn’t study film well. Leslie says that she believed Gerry was authentic and that he had integrity. She says that he said things in private to give her assurances but she won’t repeat them in front of the cat owners. There are SHOCKED faces in the audience and in the Bauch house. Leslie talks for like twenty minutes and I knew she was done wrong but come on already. No one deserves to talk this much. Even freed hostages are limited to thirty-second clips on the news. Aren’t we overdue for a commercial? Even I’m over the dumping by now.
Gerry waits until she’s done talking to talk. He’s such a gentleman. Gerry says that he was honest about loving her. He just didn’t love her as much as he loved Theresa. It’s logical. Gerry apologizes for dating Leslie on TV and then dumping her. No one from ABC apologizes for orchestrating it. Leslie says she doesn’t know if she can accept the apology. Maybe if she talked less, she could process better.
Leslie tells Gerry that she’ll learn from this and find someone to love. She wishes Gerry the best. She says that she hopes Gerry and Theresa find happiness. Gerry tells Leslie that he hopes she finds happiness. That’s weird because he could’ve just given it to her. Gerry isn’t very efficient. If he wanted Leslie to be happy, he shouldn’t have dumped her. They say goodbye.
It’s not over. ABC saves the happy times of the Bachelor for the end of the show. It’s like saving the best part of your meal for the end, only if your entire meal consisted of cow turds. Gerry puts on nice clothes to get ready to propose to Theresa. Gerry tells the camera that he said a prayer to his dead wife to guide him through the proposal. Since his wife is dead, she has to answer that prayer because death breaks the marriage contract. Gerry’s dead wife can’t do shit about his new wife. If you don’t want your man to find another woman, don’t die. Or, don’t complain.
Theresa comes out to meet Gerry. Jesse Palmer walks her down to a platform in the middle of Costa Rica. You’d expect more tourists to be around but ABC must shoo them all away with a broom or a gun. Before Gerry can say a bunch of stupid words, Theresa says a bunch of stupid words. Theresa tells Gerry that they’re both not dead yet and they have a lot of life to live. She wants to live those few months with Gerry. Gerry smiles and hugs her.
Gerry tells Theresa how he knew he liked her when she stepped out of the limo. I hope he can remember because it was 23 days ago. Gerry talks more about love stuff and I zone out because it’s really late.
Gerry says a ton of nice things to Theresa and tells her how special she is. He says, “You’re not the right person for me to live with.” Then he waits a minute before he says, “You’re the person I can’t live without.” What a rascal. He fooled all of us into thinking it was a double dump. What a goof. I hope he suffers for his sins. Gerry tells Theresa he loves her. He says he’s never going to stop believing in love, therefore fulfilling ABC’s contract with the band Journey. Gerry proposes to Theresa and she says yes and Gerry’s family runs out and there’s a bunch of screaming. You guys screamed too, admit it.
Gerry and Theresa face the camera and scream, “We’re engaged!” When my wife agreed to marry me, we turned toward the camera and screamed, “I’ll take a number 4 with cheese.”
It’s over but it’s not. ABC takes us back to the live studio audience so Jesse Palmer can ask the happy couple pointless questions that teach us nothing. When Gerry and Theresa step out onto the stage, the cat owners scream like there are bees in their eyes. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten how mad they were at Gerry for dumping Leslie. Theresa shows the cameras her ring. Not bad for a burger joint owner.
Jesse Palmer asks what she was thinking when Gerry asked her to marry her. He’s just the king of tough questions. Theresa says she almost died. I mean, technically, it’s probably true. There are more questions. We watch them. Theresa says that she knocked Gerry’s boots off in the Fantasy Suite. She’s referring to the sex they had. The audience roars because old people aren’t supposed to have sex. Theresa goes on to tell everyone watching to have a bunch of boot-knocking sex no matter how old you are. I hope you guys are paying attention. Get to the sex-havin’.
Next, ABC previews their upcoming Bachelor season featuring a human cootie named Joey. Joey seems like the kind of guy who asks if anyone has any ore to trade in Catan before playing the Monopoly card and stealing everyone’s ore. I can’t wait to not watch it.
So, it’s over. I hope you guys enjoyed the ride. I didn’t, but it’s not about me. It’s about Gerry and Theresa and the short amount of time they have to love each other before they both die. Good night, everyone.