Golden Bachelor Wants a Few Years of Love
Gerry Turner's wife died so he wants another one.
Yes, I’m recapping the Golden Bachelor. I feel like I SHOULD BE TYPING IN ALL CAPS SO MY NEW, GOLDEN-AGED READERS CAN FOLLOW ALONG. You have to hand it to ABC, when you think that they’re out of ideas, they go and absolutely prove to you that they’re out of ideas.
It’s shiny crap. It’s the Golden Bachelor.
71-year old Gerry Turner is inviting 30 women to the Bachelor mansion in Los Angeles to choose someone to die with very shortly. ABC uses the term “golden” because old things are usually withered and yellowed. “Golden” is just a nicer way to say “urine-soaked.”
We start with several minutes of Gerry struggling to button his shirt. ABC made this episode one hour but I’m guessing it’s going to feel like years. Gerry puts on a goddamned hearing aid. We are going to LEAN into this golden thing, aren’t we? The old man continues to get dressed. We watch it.
Gerry’s name is spelled Gerry, but it’s pronounced Gary. My computer keeps underlining Gerry and asking, “Dude, don’t you mean ‘Jerry’?” And I’m all, “No, dude is Gerry.” So, this whole season, your brain is going to constantly say “Gerry” and there’s nothing I can do about that. Keep up!
Gerry tells the camera, “I’m Gerry, and this is the rest of my life.” Then he caresses a picture of his dead wife. The dead wife looks on from heaven and shakes her damn head. Claire’s dad shakes his head too. Gerry tells the world his dead wife story. Gerry married his high school sweetheart and they were happy for four decades. Because a bachelor can’t be married, there needs to be a tragic story. Right when the happy couple bought their dream house together, Gerry’s wife got really sick with a bacterial infection and she died. Gerry took it hard. So hard that he needed to go on TV to replace her. We all deal with grief in different ways.
Gerry seems really sweet talking about his dead wife. That’s why he’s the Golden Bachelor, you guys. It’s because HIS HEART IS GOLDEN! Gerry gets together with his kids so ABC can capture heart-warming family moments. Gerry’s kids give Gerry permission to replace their mom. I wouldn’t have been ready to move forward if they didn’t.
We’re ready for action! Jesse Palmer stands out in front of the Bachelor mansion to welcome Gerry and be pointless. Jesse asks Gerry how he’s feeling and I have to admit, I was wondering the same thing. How is Gerry feeling?! Gerry says he’s nervous, but ready to find love. You guys are nervous but ready to find love too, admit it.
The Golden candidates arrive in limos. The limos do not hydraulically kneel to accommodate arthritic knees. Edith is first because, of course. Of course the first woman is named Edith. Edith tells Gerry she’s excited to meet him and that’s unfortunate. It would’ve been awkward if she was just there to mingle.
Ellen is the second woman out and she doesn’t even get to the mansion before we have to hear a long ass story about her friend Roberta who has cancer. ABC gives Ellen an entire video docudrama. I thought this was about Gerry’s journey! A woman named Sandra says the F-word 7 times. Leslie pretends to be disabled with a walker, which is hilarious because aren’t old people so helpless? Leslie is so over-the-top ! Leslie used to date Prince and says that Prince wrote the song ‘Sexy Dancer’ about her. I’m working my sources to confirm.
Gerry meets Pamela and Pamela says that, when she saw Gerry on ‘Good Morning America,’ she couldn’t breathe for two hours. So, Pamela should probably be dead. You should not hold your breath for two hours. If you see someone and you can’t breathe, you should not seek out that person. They are bad for you.
As we go to commercial, ABC teases that Theresa is about to show Gerry her tits. She says it’s her birthday and she’s wearing her birthday suit. We get back from commercial and we do not get to see Theresa’s tits. What a rip off. She was wearing a dress under her robe. I hope Theresa goes home first. April brings Gerry eggs and says that her eggs are still fresh. She’s talking about fertility. April is a farmer and she clucks like a chicken a lot. Keep up.
There’s a lot of innuendo about penises and sex. The message here is, people can still be into sex even though they’re golden. They’re not all dried up, you guys. Go have sex with old people. You’re not going to believe how into it they are.
Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt, Concetta, shows up to make us all LOL a bunch. She makes jokes because she’s Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt. She’s a down-to-earth gal who’s just here for fun. This will nicely set up for some cross-promotion with the Jimmy Kimmel show. Everything is falling into place, you guys.
Once the women are all in the mansion, they drink alcohol. The gals chat about how attractive Gerry is. They’re all ready to find love. You guys are ready to find love too, admit it.
Jesse Palmer interviews Gerry before he goes inside. He asks him if he thinks he’s met the woman he’ll spend the rest of his life with. Gerry thinks he has. I hope it’s not April. Luckily for him, the rest of his life isn’t a ton of life.
Gerry goes inside and talks to his harem. He drinks orange juice because Golden Bachelors need their vitamin C. April pulls Gerry aside first because insane people are good at being on ‘The Bachelor’. She pulls out a calendar because normal people carry around full-sized calendars. April kisses Gerry on the cheek, which I think is 2nd base. It’s hard kissing 70-year olds on the cheek because, if you accidentally inhale, you suck their cheek into your mouth. Golden dating must be hard.
Ellen who has the cancer friend Roberta has a nice chat with Gerry. Gerry notices her. Ellen screams to her friend Roberta that she’s having a great time. I’m not ready for any of this. Sandra swears some more. Marina tells Gerry that he’s “dope.” I think it’s supposed to be an example of an awkward old person using modern slang, but I’m pretty sure “dope” is something people said 50 years ago. I said “dope” unironically in high school and I’m old enough to have used tape recorders.
Faith ruins the evening by playing a guitar. Whenever you’re at a party, some asshole has to whip out a guitar and make it about them. Gerry likes Faith’s guitar, so now we’re all doomed to constantly hear it. Gerry tells the camera that his 20 girlfriends are all elegant, even the ones who carry around calendars.
Thirty seconds later, everyone is dancing. There’s so much life in the mansion, you guys! I adjust my glasses because, whoa, wasn’t this supposed to be the GOLDEN Bachelor? Golden people don’t dance! They watch the Price is Right and then die! 70-year olds are in constant pain, they can’t dance, right? I’ve been wrong about so many things.
Jesse Palmer brings out the first impression rose because ABC Producers were sick of talking to him backstage and gave him something to do. Whoever Gerry gives the first impression rose will automatically make it to the next week. It’s a big deal, you guys. I don’t think any of you are taking this seriously enough. Get it together. TAKE THIS MORE SERIOUSLY!
Theresa is getting nervous that she won’t get any time with Gerry. She complains to the camera about it. You should’ve showed us your tits, Theresa! Finally (FINALLY) Theresa gets some 1-on-1 time with the Golden Bachelor. She tells Gerry about her daughter and reads a letter from her daughter. It’s a really personal letter. I hope that she got her daughter’s permission. First she psychs us out on the tits and now she’s betraying her flesh and blood. Theresa sucks!
Gerry likes Theresa and gives her a birthday cupcake. I guess it really is her birthday. Then, Gerry and Theresa make out. There’s slurping. They are just two Golden sluts touching Golden tongues. I was hoping that Golden Bachelor wouldn’t have any slurping. I underestimated ABC. The only thing they love more than exploiting the elderly is slurping.
After slurping with Theresa, Gerry goes to the other room and gets the first impression rose. He doesn’t give it to Theresa, he gives it to Faith. Goddamned it, Gerry. Now Faith is never going to stop playing her guitar. Gerry and Faith hug. Faith says, “This rose represents hope.” So, Faith wants hope. This is confusing. Keep up!
It’s getting late and everyone is tired. Matlock is on. The Rose Ceremony begins. I don’t know why I capitalized “Rose Ceremony.” Maybe so you guys understand how big this is. Some of these women wasted hours for this! They’ve risked everything!
We watch the Rose Ceremony. Gerry’s dead wife watches the Rose Ceremony. It happens. It’s Rose Ceremony-ey. Gerry gives his 20 girlfriends a speech. He tells them how difficult it will be to dump them. Then, he dumps a bunch of them.
Gerry sends home Patty and some other women I don’t recognize. It’s sadder when it’s the Golden Bachelor because now they’ll die alone for sure. It’s like watching death row prisoners stare at the phone, waiting for the governor’s call. That phone ain’t ringing.
As Gerry says goodbye to his dumped girlfriends, he cries. He seems really nice. No one dumps like Gerry dumps. The 16 remaining game show contestants hug Gerry. Someone surely broke a hip.
We see footage from the upcoming season as Journey plays ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’ I don’t want to spoil the entire season for you guys based on one video montage, but I will say two words - it sucks. I have no idea why I do this. Lucky for you, you didn’t read down this far.
After the credits, we learn that Ellen’s friend Roberta died. Thanks, ABC.
Greg Bauch does this to himself because he deserves it.